Thursday 22 March 2012

Quit Playing Games with my Heart/Brain and any other Part of my Body you Seem to be Getting at!


I realise I haven’t written in a while… I guess it has been a combination of total writer’s block (who knew that just wasn’t an excuse?!) and trying to redecorate a bedroom and sort out 25 years of accumulated rubbish and actually getting myself a social life… Well done me!

Anyway… To the point…

I am a serial internet dater, I thought I’d dated quite a lot of guys before I met my last boyfriend, but since breaking up with him last June I’ve managed to nearly double the number in less than a year.
When I say this, I am certainly not referring to notches on my bed post, simply guys (from the internet) I have met up with and been on a date, or sometimes more, with.

But wow, this internet dating is not easy. It’s tiring, draining and is sometimes just shrouded in a cloud of mind games.

“Really?!” I hear you ask with a doubtful look on your face!
If you are one of my friends, my work colleagues or an internet dater yourself, you will believe me and here’s one reason why. Here's one reason (more to follow in some other blogs!)

The Game Playing



I’ve never been good at this. I mean in all honestly, I think anyone over the age of 22 shouldn’t really be doing the whole Mind Fuck thing anyway, but even when I was 15 and meant to be playing it cool… Oh and be awesome at it. I still wasn’t. If I liked a guy, I told him… My friends thought I was utterly insane, but… but… YOU CAN’T TELL HIM…

Why not?!

Seriously

Why not?!

If I tell him and he likes me, GREAT! We can then get on with things like normal people…
If I tell him and he doesn’t like me, I’m not going to spend the next 3 weeks/months/years of my life trying to analyse every text message, seemingly flirty touches or that time he got pissed one night and I’m sure he tried to kiss me…..


This might be for some, but not me… I will save myself the mental anguish thank you!
You think the game playing wouldn’t be there with internet dating. You are both on the site to meet someone (most of the time), to be in a relationship (a lot of the time) and be happy. That’s simple enough right?

WRONG

The game playing comes when you least expect it... Here is a short story and prime example:

I was dating a guy at the beginning of the year. I really liked him, like *REALLY* liked him, not one of my;

 “no, but seriously Lyds/Liane/Becky/Gemma/Sarah/Lis/
Abbi/Lauren/Fee/Zoe/Tam…
 He’s LITERALLY AMAZING”

I spent a week in London with my best friend Tamsin and during this time, me and him texted, a lot, constantly some would say.. I even asked if he was bored of me and he said “No, keep texting”… I rang him AND HE RANG ME (which in all honesty, boys are never all that good at)

We were in touch all the time, but I’m not one to assume it’s all going to be perfect when we meet. Don’t get me wrong, I get ahead of myself sometimes, but as I’ve experienced this more and more, I know to at least refrain from SQUEALING LIKE AN EXCITABLE PIG until the first date is over. (And successful)

Tamsin and I decided to de-tour to Liverpool on our way back from London to meet this prospective man (and also hers) and see if he was as awesome as he sounded. I was PETRIFIED… It wasn’t the usual date, I was out with my friends, he was out with his (Turns out it’s a pretty good way to meet as the pressure isn’t there).

He arrived. First thing he did was slap my friend Steven’s arse – Good lad. Straight away, it was like we’d been together for months and it was an awesome night, we laughed, we chatted, we got to know each other and then carried on partying with our friends and left it there.

The rest of the weekend was amazing and a bit of a blur. The next night we (Tamsin and I again…) out for his birthday in Leeds. His sister was there, his cousins were there and all of his best friends.  I expected I was going to be largely ignored and I didn’t particularly mind. Half arsed introductions to maybe some of his “acquaintances” rather than friends.

WRONG

He spent the whole evening making such an effort, introduced me (properly) to everyone, including sister and family members, spent loads of time with me and generally had an amazing night… The party moved back to his house where everyone found a square foot of floor to sleep on (at about 5am) and went to bed.

I had to leave very early the next morning and was under strict instructions to return back to his house IMMEDIATELY after I had taken Tammy home.

I did, was there until about 11pm before finally venturing home on a Sunday night.
That week in London and weekend were the best I have had in a long long time. Spending quality time with my best friend, her sisters and some lovely new people and thinking everything was just too good to be true with this amazing boy and HIS family and friends.

THIS… is when the game playing started.. What.The.Hell?!

Some might say “Yeah, but Emma, you’d given him what he wanted” (I’m sure you know what I mean) But I hadn’t.

All of a sudden, I was waiting hours for a response to a text and they were much shorter and to the point… I’m not stupid though, I may take wishful thinking too far sometimes, but I know when a guy’s not interested!

But he was… (Apparently)

I carried on texting as we were before, you know… Actually replying

= Mental and Needy


I did see him once the following week, but also asked if he wanted to meet up 3 days after that (after spending an entire weekend with him the week before, I figured this wasn't too much)

= Mental and Needy

I said nice and positive things to him

= Mental and Needy

Ok… so the long and short of it was probably...

But then again, I’m not so sure. I am sure his best (female) friend had something to do with it and I am sure that the tiny tiny man inside of a lot of men’s heads was telling him it was time to freak out because stuff seemed too good.

Who knows? Who will EVER know?

I should probably watch that film, but I refuse… As it will be an upsetting look at reality rather than PS I Love You. 

Wednesday 7 March 2012

For the Lads... The Don'ts and Dont's of Internet Dating

I’ve been on 3 different dating sites in my life:

Match.com (High end)

Datingdirect.com (Was middle of the road until match.com bought it and amalgamated the two, but kept both brands)

Plentyoffish.com (VERY low end, recently attempted to rebrand themselves as POF.com via TV advertising… Sadly, they’ve not rebranded the website, so that plan stopped there)

To be honest, I say POF is low end, but you get freaks, weirdos and men looking for sex on all of them, even if they do have to pay between £12.99 and £24.99 a month for the privilege. I sometimes wonder whether they’ve thought it through at all…

This leads me nicely onto my first point…


If you’re looking for sex, don’t go on a dating website!

There are some guys on the dating sites who will either quite blatantly message you, with the most CRINGEWORTHY messages of all time….


 No JJ... No I do not...

Alternatively, some sneaky guys will lure you in with some romancing chat, maybe even take you on a date… or two… Only to turn around and say you’re not the right girl for them and they have issues…

Join Adult Friend Finder if that’s what your after.
(Unless of course, the woman you are messaging is also looking for an “Intimate Encounter”)


AVOID the use of the following words and/or phrases:
  • Outgoing
  • Down to Earth
  • Easy Going

There is, quite literally, a handful of profiles I have come across that HAVEN’T said one, two or all of these things. They mean nothing, NOTHING... They are not impressive words.


Don’t go Out of Your League… (No Offence)


Please, Just DON’T use pet names in a first message, or second… Or even the first 10 for that matter.
Oh... and the use of bbz should be STRICTLY FORBIDDEN.


Don’t lie about your height … 
Unless you say your shorter than you really are and then that will be a pleasant surprise.


For the love of God… DON’T… put sex as one of your hobbies!!!!


SexiBoi2k and TooHotty4Totty are NOT going to get a reply



Rules on Profile Pictures

This is the bit I wish I could give example photos of, but being aware of the legal implications of stealing people’s photos, sadly I can’t!

To be honest, there’s a number of DONT'S around this…

DON’T use photos that were blatantly taken in an ex’s girlfriend bedroom

DON’T take pictures of yourself in your bedroom if your bedroom has train sets, toys, a single bed or any other horribly geeky things

DON’T use pictures of lesser known celebrities (in the UK) hoping people will believe they’re you… This is one I see a lot, this is a character called Silas, from a show called Weeds… (You, and I to be honest, WISH)


      DON’T put a picture of you with a small child as your main picture if you don’t have kids!! This is PARTICULARLY relevant if it’s the only picture on your profile. Girls will assume it’s yours and won’t even bother reading the bit which asks if you have kids

      Don’t put photos of you surfing/climbing/swimming very far away from the camera, especially if they are your only pics!



First messages (like first impressions) COUNT

This is one thing that winds me up the most. On paid for sites, you find people make more of an effort on this, but POF is just ridiculous…

DON’T send one word messages…

 “Hey”, “Hello” or “Hi” is just not good enough… you are not going to get a response, unless you are
1.  Super hot
OR
2.  The girl your messaging has no more than 42 brain cells



DON’T send a message that you have just copied and pasted from a word document



Make sure your message is actually relevant to a girls profile…



WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!?!?!!?



As much as it’s nice to make note to parts of a girl’s profile to show you’ve read it, but DON’T reference EVERY sentence she’s written…

If a girl doesn’t reply… DON’T keep messaging her!



Learn to spell and use grammar correctly… (Please)


DON'T reference the website name in your messages (Cringe)



For the lads... I hope this has given a bit of insight on how to have Internet Dating success and for the others, I hope this has provided you with some light evening entertainment and an insight into what utter CHARMERS you can find on the World Wide Web. 

Monday 5 March 2012

Dry Your Eyes Mate

Once upon a time, in a beautiful castle, far far away, there lived a Prince and a Princess who lived happily ever after…

A Princess, A Prince and Their Castle... Oh Disney


Uh-Uh (that’s the Family Fortunes noise right there)

What Disney don’t tell the 5 year olds, is the Prince and Princess had a horrible, miserable break up a couple of months after filming and it took days, months, years, getting over it and pulling themselves out of this utter heartbreak.

Wait ‘til you see 500 Days of Summer kids! 

"This is not a love story. This is story about love"

500 Days of Summer.. Even my girl crush on Zooey Deschanel didn't stop me hating her!

Whether you’re a man, woman or other, gay, straight or other… Nothing will stop your eyes welling up with tears when a certain song comes on the radio, or you’re throwing stuff out and come across an old card or letter… Nothing will stop the feeling that your heart is going to break out of your chest when you think you’ve just seen them standing at the other side of a bar.


The thing that still affects me most is certain smells, it’s probably the same for a lot of people. Scent is one of the most powerful senses, which I don’t think people always realise.


I had a horrible relationship not so long ago (When I get round to that it will probably have parts 1-10) and some months later, I thought I had got over it… I was happy, I was constantly surrounded by amazing friends, I had an ENORMOUS crush on a guy that I spent a lot of time with and I was generally relatively content, he had stopped crossing my mind every 30 seconds, I could get angry rather than upset…


Until I was walking through the restaurant I worked in… balancing 3 plates in my hands and a man walked past me wearing his aftershave… Avoiding ruining their food with my salty tears and weeping onto my customers, I went to the table, shoved the plates down as fast as my hands would allow, quick stepped back to the kitchen and melted into a flood of tears.


It was bizarre… This scent had totally washed over my whole body… Reminded me of everything and it was just too much to handle.


However much a person tries to hide it, I believe everyone has these feelings and it is horrific. When you watch a friend cry over a girl or guy, you can never quite relate, your brain – the clever thing - helps you forget those feelings as fast as possible. Unless you really make yourself and let yourself remember, you can never quite empathise (unless, you too, have gone through a break up recently).


But how do these feelings affect men and women?


When you’re young, in your teen years… You look at the exterior…

You see a girl cry every day for 6 months and the boy just get on with it, like nothing has happened (for the most part). You assume she will never be the same and he’s already over it.


In my older years, I realised this was really the opposite of what was going on. During that “grieving” period (I realise this is an extreme word to use)… The girl is letting all those emotions go and once she’s come out of it, of course, some feelings will still be there, but she will have, in part, “Got over it”


What happens to a boy, or man, seems to be a lot more complex… You only realise this when you’re older though and you can actually crack through the exterior.


Why are so many men “content” with no strings attached relationships?


I was chatting to yet another guy on POF, only for the pretty hilarious and friendly conversation we’d been having, ended with “So are you up for it? Banter and fondling, but no emotions ok?” … I decided to question why he felt like that. I could be the love of his life and he wasn’t even willing to consider it.

His answer came, as suspected:

“I don’t know, scared I guess, don’t want to get hurt”

This sealed it in my head.


Men are affected far worse from break ups than women.



They bottle up their feelings, mainly because of pride. There might be the occasional person that sees them, a female friend, a best mate, a parent, but the rest of the time, the advice they get goes about as deep as “Let’s go shag a load of fit birds”…


It’s like they get revenge on that one girl by breaking the hearts of many others.



My advice to this guy went as follows:

Man the f*ck up...

You have two choices... You either dwell on it, let it affect you for the next however long, have meaningless sex with girls and probably break a few hearts just to get revenge on someone else...
OR... you spent a weekend wrapped up in your duvet watching PS I love you and other such shit, let yourself cry, eat junk food and drink some beer... Then pull yourself up and move on! 
That feeling when you see her will never go away... But it will fade...

Let it go

If guys could talk to their mates (and I don't just mean those select few, I mean all of them) without fear of being called a pussy and not get embarrassed or their pride hurt, the world would probably be a better place. 

The reason I gave this blog the title Dry Your Eyes Mate is because I have the utmost respect for Mike Skinner to write such a frank and honest song about what a man goes through after a break up. Especially when he's such a "lad". 


Going Leaps & Bounds Towards... Well... A Man Shaped Hole in Your Door



I realise this is my second blog of the evening… But I had people nagging me for part 2 left, right and centre, but I couldn’t possibly miss out writing about a day such as today.

Usually, I would be falling over myself deciding which boy I should “Jokingly” ask to marry me… Sorry, that should say “Half Jokingly”.
As well as messaging any guy I was romantically involved with, in order to propose, I would be texting all my male friends to ask for their hand in marriage as well as posting on Facebook and who knows, I’d probably end up getting down on one knee in the middle of the office in front of some complete stranger that caught my eye.

This year though, I haven’t done anything, well, apart from a witty status update which has been totally ignored…

I guess I must be growing up.

I don’t really understand the tradition to be honest… I mean, I’m all for going dutch on a date and don't get me wrong, I'm all for women's rights etc. etc. etc. But there are some things that should just be left to the man. Any woman who has to resort to waiting for a day that arrives every 4 years… needs to find a new man in my opinion.
I don't know about anyone else, but any males I know would find it totally emasculating...

Where's the excitement?
Where's the surprise?
Well.. there isn't any!
No fooling your partner by jetting him off to Paris on the 28th February, or insisting that the 29th is the perfect date to go and visit the park you first met in or the restaurant you went to on your first date.
HE WILL SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU, YOU CRAZY COW!

Whilst some 32 year olds will use the leap year to celebrate their 8th birthday and some will just be looking forwards to the Olympics… If we are being totally honest with ourselves ladies, there are some men out there who will cower under their desks every 29th February, chomping on their nails waiting for the clock to strike 12.01.

Safe for another 4 years now lads!


On Ilkla Moor Baht'at Baht Boyfriend and Baht a Lot Else Really (I did however, have my phone and a coat) PART 2


Months went by and everything was absolutely fine. It got to the 27th December. I was at work and SB called me on my lunch break..

SB : What are you doing tonight?
Me: Seeing you hopefully
SB: Oh Good, I’ve got a surprise for you

I spent the afternoon telling all my colleagues he had a surprise for me, there was all sorts of speculation, engagement being one on the list. Ahaha :|

He picked me up from work, we kissed, we cuddled and I nagged him to tell me what he had planned. His mouth was kept firmly tight. I was excited.
We went back to mine and I picked up some stuff to go and stay the night at his house (where his parents had just about forgiven me for the previous drama)…

SB: You better wrap up warm as your surprise is outside
 (Don’t forget 27th December around 7pm)

Whilst I was getting ready, frantically searching for some “outdoor clothes” (If you know me at all, you will realise these are sparse to say the least in my wardrobe) he sat on the edge of my bed flicking through my phone (note the trust)… And showed me a picture of someone from uni:

SB: Who’s this?
Me: That’s James, he lives in my block at uni
I didn't even bat an eyelid at this question.

…A long time before we got together, SB had gone on tour in Bosnia where he’d got a “Mine Awareness” t-shirt, he’d given this to me and said he’d been saving it for a special girl… It was a big baggy thing, that I only wore in bed…

Next question came…

SB: Where’s my mine awareness t-shirt?
Me: In that drawer *points*
SB: Will you bring it with you?
Me: Errr… yeah, but why? I only wear it in bed
SB: I just want you to bring it with you to wear in bed... In fact, I’m going to put it on for some extra warmth while we're outside

This was slightly more odd, but, again, I didn’t think an awful lot of it.

Wrapped up and in the walking shoes I’d bought days earlier knowing being with him would mean I was outdoors a lot more, we walked to his car.
I sat in the passenger seat and he put a hat over my eyes to blindfold me…

He drove up through Ilkley and onto the moors, drove all the way to the edge of Burley Woodhead where he must have changed his mind and turned back to head a bit further back towards Ilkley.

I got out of the car and laughed:

Me: I know exactly where we are!
SB: Where are we then?
Me: Well the Cow & Calf pub is in that direction
SB: YOU’VE BEEN FUCKING LOOKING

A bad reaction, yes, but not one that was totally out of place with his personality...

Me: Woah woah woah… Calm down, I’ve lived in Ilkley for 17 years, of course I know where we are
SB: Hmm.. Ok, well I guess you can take the blindfold off

I took it off.
He took my hand and started to lead me up the side of the moors, pitch black and scared of the dark this was not an ideal situation for me.

Half way up…

SB: Do you have your phone on you?
Me: No, why?
SB: I’m just going to go back to the car and get it for you, you might want to take a picture of your surprise

I shouted after him “OK, don’t leave me here”

Remember these? 



This happened well before iPhones and Blackberrys with fancy cameras filled the handbags of teenage girls.. Instead, he was telling me I needed to take a photo with that...

Q: What could he have done that’s so bright I could take a picture on my phone in the dark?
A: He must have written something in flames on the other side of the valley/arranged a romantic firework display

HA!

He returned with my whole handbag (odd) and once again started leading me up the side of the moors, occasionally tripping over bracken, rocks and other wildlife.

Once we reached the top, he turned to me and took my hands…

SB: Do you think I’ve been a good boyfriend?
Me: Eerrrrm… Yeah?
SB: Tell me some nice things I’ve done for you
Me: (I won’t lie.. I struggled) Errr.. You drive to up to uni to see me.. hmmm.. You bought me The O.C Series 2 on boxset? Errrr….

SB: WELL WHY THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN CHEATING ON ME WITH JAMES?!!?!?

Who. The fuck. Is James?

SB: James… The guy on your fucking phone

(Bear in mind I’d let him look through my phone with absolutely no problems or worries)

Me: Are you kidding me? What the hell? I barely know him (or didn’t at this point.. but that’s a whole other story).. He was with me and Alice when I bought my phone and I was messing around with the camera

SB: Well I know that you’ve been cheating on me with someone, you’ve slept with 2 of my best mates (in reference to Part 1), you’ve been sleeping with loads of people at uni.. I know you have, one of your friends told me

In all honesty.. Everything goes a bit blurry here, I was crying.. Sobbing and trying to understand what the hell was happening..

He was completely straight faced, not one ounce of upset showed in his expression, my heart was breaking and he was just helping it along the way…

I tried to explain and find out who had told him all this and where it had come from, why he thought I’d slept with his mates after all that bloody drama we had had and I just couldn’t get a straight answer.

At some point I dropped to my knees, I couldn’t understand what was happening. After God knows how long, it could have been 1 minute, 10 minutes or 30 minutes.. he started walking away… he sped up and then started RUNNING…

There was no way I could chase after him, he was trained to run in this terrain…

“SO YOU’RE JUST LEAVING ME HERE”

SB’s parting words: “Yes, just like you left me”




Hindsight is a wonderful thing:

1)    Oh, THAT'S why he’d turned round.. He was in fact going to leave me about 3 miles from anywhere, but decided against it
2)    Oh, THAT'S why he wanted me to bring his t shirt... He’d planned this down to the finest detail, he'd even got that back!
3)    Oh, THAT’S why he’d asked who the guy was in the picture
4)    Oh, THAT'S why he couldn’t see me the night before… Himself and his friend (the one who hated me) had planned this all out

But I guess at least he’d been kind enough to make sure I had my phone……..



Although this story tells you one bad story about an army relationship... Please remember... Always.